TSA Diabetes Challenge

I'm in a secret Diabetes Challenge with the TSA. They don't know it. But it's happening.

I'm constantly testing to see how much stuff I can actually get on the plane in the name of diabetes.

Going through security at the airport as a diabetic is a very weird experience. The first few times I was pretty nervous about it. I'd have the letter from my doctor front and center, out of the envelope, fully unfolded. I'd put all my diabetes supplies right on top, my syringes, the mysterious vials of insulin, the oddly sexual looking site injector for my pump. Plus, whatever juice boxes, apple sauce packets, honey packets, all ready to go.

The next part is the controversial 3D body scanners, which I use the D-card for. "Oh no, I'm sorry. I can't walk through that violation of our personal freedoms because I'm a diabetic," flashing them my insulin pump as if it were a badge. Confused, they usually pull me over to the side. I am always pulled over to the side. I have yet to get through security without a pat down or my bags searched.

Because of this, I figured, fuck it. Let's see how much I can get through. Once, I've tried to make it through with a PB&J sandwich, a Chobani yogurt, a pack of almonds, and two apples. Yes, that was all for one flight....that was approximately four hours in duration. I get hungry! The Chobani didn't make it!

This week, I'll be taking a trip out west to Colorado. I'll be visiting a friend who I imagine is missing New York bagels, breads, and pizza pretty hardcore. Of course, being the amazing person I am, I want to bring bagels. But not just any bagels, the best bagels in Astoria, which are Brooklyn Bagels.

This is the challenge! How do I convince a TSA agent, that yes, as a diabetic, I need a half dozen bagels for the trip. No, no sir, juice boxes aren't going to cut. When I have a low blood sugar, I have to shove a bagel or two in my face. Yes, I'm sure. Call my doctor!

Wish me luck. And promise to bail me out TSA jail because I will throw down for these bagels!

Game Day

I did it.
It's done.
I rode my bike 40 miles through all 5 boroughs of New York City.
It was pretty fucking awesome.

Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of pictures to share. You know....because I was on my bike.

But it was incredible. In fact, it's what I imagine the apocalypse to be like....before the zombies come in and start trying to eat our faces. Riding my bike up 6th Ave with not a single car on the road as if I (plus 32,000 others) was the only person awake was surreal.

Diabetes management was not nearly as difficult as I would have thought either. Here's how I managed.

First, rather then buy a "too-cool-for-school (or Sizzler)" fanny pack, it was cold enough for me to wear a light fleece with plenty of pockets. I loaded myself up with a snacks, including granola bars and applesauce packets plus what ever additional freebies were given out at the rest stops.

I ate a hearty breakfast of oatmeal, sliced banana, and soy milk eaten with a little less insulin then normal. I figured it was better to go into the tour with a slightly elevated blood sugar then low. When I checked my blood sugar right before the race, it was 168. I lowered my basal insulin to 50% of its normal dosage. Ah, the wonders of the insulin pump never cease to amaze me!

About 5 miles in, my riding partner needed a potty break, where I checked my numbers again. In 5 miles, I had dropped to 98 BG. I ate a mini Larabar without insulin (only 8g of carbs). After another 7 miles, my riding partner needed another break, which gave me time to eat some raisins and half a bagel. This time, I gave myself the proper dosage of insulin, figuring the bagel was going to keep me even (high carbs, high activity rate). At mile 15, we stopped again (she had a very small bladder). This time, I ate a banana, more raisins, and a dose of insulin.

Things were going pretty well until about mile 35. It was the longest stretch we had gone without stopping and snacking. It also happened to the hardest part of the tour, which was the BQE and over the Verrazano Bridge. About midway through the bridge, I was feeling a little shaky and not just from the uphill climb. Luckily, I came prepared with snacks and was able to quickly suck down a GoGo Squeez apple sauce packet (Apple Grape!), a diabetic's best friend.

By the time I arrived at the finish line in Staten Island, I was spent! And hungry! And had a 125 blood sugar! Which meant I could go to town on the free samples and eat an amazing vegan black bean burger with vegan cheddar cheese and relish from Bareburger at the tour's finish line festival.  Holy crap, I'd bike another 40 miles just to eat another burger!

So....that's how it went.

I didn't die. I made through all 40 miles without keeling over from exhausted or hypoglycemia (always a success in my book). I experienced the city in an entirely different, glorious way. I ate a delicious burger. And now have a much better sense of what to expect during the zombie apocalypse (sans zombies).

All and all, quite the happy experience!

For My Consideration

I have been neglectful in sharing that I will be doing the NYC 5 Boro Bike Tour in less then a month!

Whaaaaaat?!?! I know, right?

It is 40 mile bike ride through the 5 boroughs of New York City, where you're able to bike over a number of the amazing bridges all over the city. It should be awesome. I love to ride my bike and this has given me a great excuse to get on it as much as possible.

What was pretty amazing about the registration experience is that diabetes did not come up at all. Not for me. Not for the good folks who manage registration. It was just a straightforward "I want to do this. I am signing up for it. Oh, look, done." There was no debate about whether I could/should do it with diabetes.

Yay for being over diabetes!

But then the reality set in. It was great that diabetes didn't play a role in my decision making AT ALL in doing the bike tour, but now it definitely has to be part of the training plan. My longest ride so far has been 10 miles. A far cry from 40, I know. Each time I've gone riding, I have come home with a low blood sugar. As I move forward in my training process, and on the day of the tour, I definitely need to do some planning.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Latest Trend

The latest trend I've got going on over here is bread-making.
As in making my own bread.
Real bread.
Not in a crockpot.
Made with yeast.

It's pretty cool.

One of my goals this year is bake really good whole wheat bread. Which has not worked out quite yet. Which is why I am giving you a Rosemary Bread recipe instead.

You don't mind, right?

Now, I know you're thinking bread + diabetic = blood sugar disaster. And you would be right, my friends. Did you know we were friends? Which is why I have mostly been making bread to feed to others, taking my loaves with me to parties and dinners. That way other people's blood sugars can be a disaster.

Surprisingly, despite all of my complaining about bread-making, it's actually quite easy if you're willing to dedicate some time to it.

Rosemary Bread

by Bonnie Graham

Keywords: bake bread rosemary

6043291

Ingredients (1 loaf)

• 3 c all-purpose flour
• 1 1/2 tsp quick-rise yeast
• 2 tbsp chopped fresh rosemary
• 1 1/2 tsp salt
• 3 tbsp olive oil
• 1 1/4 - 1 1/2 c water, depending on consistency
• cornmeal, for dusting

Instructions

1. Mix all dried ingredients together, including the yeast. Mix until well combined. You can also use your KitchenAid Stand Mixer for this.

2. Add olive oil and water. Mixing until a soft dough is formed. It might still be a little mushy. That's okay.

3. Let bread rise overnight. Yes, overnight. Or 8 - 12 hours.

4. Once bread has sat, knead bread with additional flour for several minutes until you are able to shape it into a nice round (or break it up and put it into loaf pans). Let rise an additional 30 minutes to 2 hours.

5. Preheat your oven to 450 degrees. Here's the trick. Place a cookie sheet with an oven-safe dish filled with water. Allow oven to come to temperature.

6. Dust the pan you will bake your bread on with cornmeal. Place bread on the pan and then into your oven.

7. Bake bread for 30 - 35 minutes. Bread will sound hollow when tapped or when the inside reaches 200 degrees.

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Keepin' It on the Low

I have been having a bit of a "situation" lately.

But seriously, people, since I've moved into my new apartment, my blood sugar has been hanging out on the low end of things. In fact, I think I have more lows in the last two weeks then I have in the last two months. It's really quite peculiar. Initially, I had just chalked it up to the additional exercise of moving things to and fro. Yes, to and fro.

However, the majority of my belongings have been unpacked and moving to and fro has been brought back down into normal range. Yet, I'm still finding this increase in lows. Maybe it's a reduction in stress since I am no longer living out of my car and know exactly where I am going to sleep each night. Maybe it's just being back into a regular routine, cooking for myself, eating the way I usually do.

Whatever it is, it couldn't have come soon enough since I'm scheduled to see my endocrinologist (so dreamy) to get a new a1c result on Valentine's Day. Coincidence?

Cookie Exchange

There's something just wrong with the concept of a cookie exchange and being diabetic. Not only does it require me to make my own batch of cookie, but then I need to sample everyone elses' cookies too!

Oh dear insulin pump, how overworked you must be!

A cookie exchange was agreed upon at my office for this holiday season. Which sounds like fun. If you have a functioning pancreas. Otherwise, it sounds like High Blood Sugar City!

Shockingly, I struggled with finding an appropriate cookie recipe. It's shocking because just about everywhere you look there is a friggin' cookie recipe. Let me clarify. I struggled with finding an appropriate diabetic cookie recipe. You know, one that actually would still be appetizing to my co-workers and not just to my blood glucose meter. One that I wouldn't have to empty my insulin pump in order to eat. That kind of cookie.

After scroll through recipes that used cups of sugar, sticks of butter, or the ever unpleasant alternative of Splenda, I said fuck it and just picked a recipe.

But, of course, it can't be that easy. It's never that easy. I started with one cookie recipe, Fudgey Nutella Cookies with Sea Salt. They turned into flat little pancakes. Not good. The next recipe was Almond Florentine Cookies, which didn't initially look promising; however, they turned out to be quite good. BUT there wasn't enough of them the cookie exchange. Recipe can be found here.

I panicked and finally whipped up these bad boys, Chai-Spiced Eggnog Cookies.

Now, I totally have a Sugar Hangover.

Chai-spiced Eggnog Cookies

by Bonnie Graham

Keywords: bake dessert cinnamon coconut oil cookie winter

6038642

Ingredients (24 cookies)

• 1/3 c coconut oil
• 1/2 cup granulated sugar
• 1 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1 1/2 c all-purpose flour
• 3/4 tsp ground cinnamon
• 3/4 tsp ground ginger (optional)
• 3/4 tsp ground cloves
• 1 tsp ground cardamom
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1/2 c eggnog, plus 1 - 2 tbsp (depending on consistency)
• 1/2 c powdered sugar, sifted

Instructions

1. Preheat oven to 350°F.

2. Mix oil with sugar and vanilla in a medium bowl until well blended. 3. Stir in flour, spices and salt until just combined.

4. Add in eggnog and mix until combined, having the dough be slightly sticky.

5. Scoop and roll dough into small teaspoon-sized balls and place about an inch apart on parchment paper-lined baking sheets.

6. Bake until lightly golden, 15 to 20 minutes.

7. Cool on the sheet for 5 minutes. Roll warm cookies in powdered sugar and let cool completely on a rack.

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Diabetes Police

It is always with hesitation I put up posts that talk about some of the silly/stupid things I might do as a diabetic. Usually the hesitation revolves around the involvement of the Diabetes Police. Dundundun They're kind of like the Fashion Police, only their job is to tell me what I should or shouldn't be doing as a diabetic. It should be mentioned that they are usually not diabetics.

Most of the time, people make comments either out of concern or just plain ignorance. I need to constantly remind myself of that. And, most of the time, I have patience for it. In fact, I like to explain why I can eat what I'd like as long as take insulin, why it's possible for me to get Type 1 at 28, and that high and low blood sugar is just the name of the game in this crazy, messed up world of diabetes.

But sometimes...every once in a while....it really pisses me the fuck off. Can you see where this post is heading?

With the holidays here and parties galore, the Diabetes Police are out in full force. Those who feel the need to comment on what I am eating, how I am eating, and what I should be doing about it. For anybody who thinks that I am not fully aware of what the impact of eating, drinking, blood sugars, and all the rest, you are a fucking asshole! 

Trust me. I know. I'm aware.

But I still need to live my life. And living my life means I may not be the perfect diabetic. It means I forget to bring juice boxes everywhere I go, may not eat a strict low carb diet, and my blood sugar occasionally gets out of range. I'm going to eat an occasional slice of cake, have high blood sugar, have low blood sugar, and occasionally forget a honey packet all while keeping my baby toes, legs, and vision.

It also means that, 90% of the time, I skip the bread at meals. I test my blood sugar multiple times a day. I always take my insulin. I exercise. I carry something with me to treat lows. I take care of myself.

All without the help of the Diabetes Police!

So....are you a member of the Diabetes Police?
Think about it. 

Bad, Bad Insulin

I was worried after Hurricane Sandy that we hadn't rescued my insulin vials in time! Under-prepared and only one cooler to our names, I moved my insulin from the fridge to the freezer to the cooler with fingers-crossed that all three had been keeping it cool enough to prevent from degrading. 

These past two weeks, I have really been struggling with my blood sugar numbers. They've been pretty terrible in fact, hanging out in the 200's like I had been eating cake for breakfast. And you know what the most annoying part of it is....I haven't been eating motherfucking cake for breakfast! I'm getting these high numbers and not even enjoying the crap food to go along with them! WTF, pancreas?!

However, I wasn't quite ready to admit to myself that there are 12 useless vials of insulin sitting in the fridge. I played the usual game:

Maybe it's because I'm getting sick? I'll just wait a few days. Still feel fine. Okay, not that. 

Maybe it's just the infusion site? I'll just change it. Nope, still high. 

Maybe it's just this one insulin vile?  I'll just change that. Hey 210, guess it wasn't just that insulin vile!

Maybe I have lost my ability to accurately calculate carbohydrates? I'll spend the next few days eating only items that I know for sure the carb amounts. F-U 223!!!

Finally, I had to give in and contact my Certified Diabetes Educator. While I am still not fully committed to the idea that 12 vials of insulin have been wasted, they are sending out another three month supply next week. 

I'll let you know how it goes. 

Love/Hate

I have a love/hate relationship with bread. I love it. It hates me.

Forget that it makes my blood sugar skyrocket. The real problem is that I want to make it. It does not want to be made by me. Every (yeast) bread I make falls flat. Literally. They never rise!

Maybe I should take it as a sign. Maybe it's the universe trying to tell me something. Maybe it's because Jerry didn't let me pick that used breadmaker up off the sidewalk that would have forever changed my bread-making ability. I just have not been able to make a good, solid yeast bread that we could use for everyday sandwiches instead of breadcrumbs (since my breads are usually a messy crumble).

Until now....

Breadmaker, schreadmaker. I've gots my crockpot, yo! Yes, my crockpot. It has helped me produce some damn good bread without even turning on my oven!

And Jerry wanted to get a breadmaker. Pssssh.

Whole Wheat Crockpot Bread

by Bonnie Graham

Cook Time: 3 hours

Keywords: slow-cooker bread

Ingredients (1 loaf)

• 1 c warm milk
• 1 tbsp olive oil
• 2 tbsp honey
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 1/2 package active dry yeast
• 1 tsp vital wheat gluten (optional)
• 1 1/2 c whole wheat flour, divided
• 1/3 to 1/2 c all-purpose flour

Instructions

1. Grease a loaf pan or other baking pan that will fit inside your crock-pot.

2. Combine milk, oil, honey, salt, yeast, dough enhancer, 3/4 cups wheat flour and 1/3 cup all-purpose flour. With a handheld mixer, mix at medium low speed for 2 minutes.

3. Gradually add remaining wheat flour. Mix until completely combined. Unlike other bread recipes, dough should remain sticky.

4. Pour dough into greased baking vessel. Place into crock-pot and cook on high for three hours.

5. For a more browned top, put the bread loaf under the broiler for 1 to 2 minutes or until desired brownness is acquired.

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The Lowest Low

I like to think that I have already had my lowest low. The low so low that you never want to be low again. That's how low your lowest low is. In case you didn't catch it....it's pretty low.

When I was diagnosed, my first night in the hospital, I experienced my very first  hypoglycemic episode. My head was spinning. My brain slowed down. My body didn't cooperate. Nearly passing out, my entire body tingled. I did a very dangerous thing that night.

I waited.

Not knowing what was going on or what to do, the whole concept of hypoglycemia as a life-threatening event being completely new to me, I waited. The nurses were doing regular checks each hour and I figured that she would come eventually. Rookie mistake. 

I have quickly learned that hypoglycemia is not something that you wait to treat. The longer you wait, the shittier you feel and more dangerous it becomes. I think this is in part to the "slow down," where my brain slows to the point where stringing together a coherent sentence becomes increasingly difficult as though I am a recovering stroke victim. My only diabetic friend says that she knows she's in trouble when she finds herself staring at the same box of cereal for an uncertain amount of time.

Occasionally, I read blogs written by other diabetics. Some of these bloggers talk about lows so low that other people might need to intervene to help them treat their hypoglycemia. Posts like that make me nervous.  I felt pretty cocky content that I haven't needed help to treat a low. That was until I realized that I was lying to myself.

This realization happened the other night. Jerry and I had been out drinking, which is always tricky at the end of the night since alcohol may initially cause a high blood sugar but drop my levels later on. I'm not sure which happened first, Jerry getting out of bed to use the bathroom or my waking up sweaty and shaking.

When Jerry got back from the bathroom, I asked him to get my tester from the living room. Through bleary, sleepy eyes, I held my shaking finger to the test strip. Before I had even heard the familiar beep of my meter announcing my low, Jerry was standing there with an apple sauce packet in his hands.

Could I have gotten up and retrieved my tester myself? Yes. Did it help that he was there? Certainly.

It definitely doesn't reach the level of not being able to get out of bed and needing someone there to guide my arm to my mouth, but it counts as an intervention, as help.

Ebb and Flow

Ebb and flow.

Isn't it strange when several, completely unrelated people share similar sentiments that so perfectly fit your present life? Maybe it's this whole hippie-dippie yoga thing rubbing off on me, but the concept of "ebb and flow" has recently become a theme in my life.

While I can expound on how this theme is so perfectly playing itself out in several areas of my life, I am going to narrow this post to a recent experience I had at a Certified Diabetes Educator (CDE) appointment.

Remember back in September when I had a zen approach to my 7.2 a1c, a number that would have previously sent me into hysterics, I was somehow able to take that number in stride, recognizing that I will have a million a1c tests in my lifetime and I can't fall apart every time one comes back higher then I want.

Right.

How quickly that fell apart in the CDE's office last week. While I didn't get a new a1c test done, we reviewed the data from my insulin pump. Which seemed horrendous. I had thought that my numbers were better. That I had been more in line with my blood sugar goals. As we looked through the list of numbers, I saw more 180's, 190's and 200's then I had expected.

I could feel my heart sink in my chest.

When I said to the CDE "I thought I was doing better" and repeated several times throughout the appointment how disappointed I was, she assured me that I was looking at skewed data. That most of the numbers on the insulin pump are going to seem high because that's when I will use it most. I won't plug my blood sugar numbers into the pump if I am in range. There's no reason to.

Regardless of all the perfectly logically reasons why numbers appeared so high on that sheet, I was feeling pretty shitty. I tried to remind myself of that zen feeling from only a few months ago. Reassure myself that I am getting back on track and that my a1c will be lower when I test again in December. That "doing better" isn't just about numbers on a page.

Sometimes things will be better. And sometimes they won't. And chances are, even when things seem rough, that better times will return. It's just the ebb and flow.

Apple Challenge

I love apple picking. Mostly because I love to leave the orchards with a ridiculous little plastic bag (what's with that?!) packed to the gills with apples that I can never possibly finish before they all go bad.

I see it as a challenge! The apples are challenging me to eat them! And I do. In every possible variation.

Two simple ways to enjoy all those fall apples are in apple sauce and apple butter. These recipes are reeeeeeediculously easy and delicious. So easy, it makes you spell bad, yo. Also, there is no added sugar. Yay for those of us with broken pancreases!

Slower Cooker Apple Sauce and Apple Butter

by Bonnie Graham

Keywords: slow-cooker sauce apples cinnamon fall

6034150

Ingredients

• 5 lbs sweet and tart apples, leaving skins on - the natural pectin in the skin helps to thicken the sauce
• 1 - 2 tsp cinnamon, or to taste
• 1/2 tsp nutmeg, or to taste
• juice of 1 lemon

Instructions

For Apple Sauce:

1. Slice apples and add to slow cooker. Add lemon juice and spices.

2. Set to low heat for 4 hours. Stir occasionally if you can.

3. After 4 hours, remove from slow cooker and puree sauce to desired consistency. Enjoy!

For Apple Butter:

1. Follow the directions for the apple sauce, except puree until their are no lumps and mixture is smooth.

2. Add pureed apples back to the slow cooker. Cook on high for 1 hour without the cover on. Stir occasionally if you can.

3. You can cook longer if you're looking for a more caramel-y consistency, but you'll end up with less apple butter.

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My Diabetes Anniversary

Happy Anniversary, Diabetes. You've entered my life two years ago and I haven't been able to shake you since. Just like a case of herpes. 

I've had this blog for almost two years and have never posted the full story of my diagnosis. Initially, it was just too hard to write. As time ticked by and diabetes became a normal part of my everyday life, it just wasn't something that I thought about anymore. And now....now I see the importance of it. If the point of this blog is help out a newly diagnosed twentysomething year old, it would be good for them to know where I started. 

Sit back and relax. This is a long one. 

The day before I was diagnosed with diabetes, Jerry and I won a pie competition. We kicked some pie ass with our Vermont Death Pie (aka Maple Bacon Praline Apple Pie, say that three times fast!). We competed against 35 other pies – almost all of which I personally sampled. It was delicious! It was awesome! It was ironic!

Earlier that day, assuming I was spending the day perfecting our pie, Jerry called to check in. I answered the phone in tears...from my bed. Looking back at it now, I am not sure if it was pure exhaustion or the frustration of insatiable thirst and hunger. Feeling much like a cranky, overwhelmed child, I put myself down for a nap like any good parent would. 

The truth was I hadn’t felt well for quite a while. On a nightly basis, I was alternately awoken by painful muscle cramps or a gut-busting need to pee! No matter how much I slept, I was exhausted. No matter how much I drank, I was thirsty. No matter how much I ate, I was starving! My body felt heavy. My limbs were weak. I was losing weight without even trying.

Despite all of this, I was far from thinking that I was diabetic. After all, I was young, healthy, ate well and exercised regularly. Sure, I knew how I was feeling wasn’t normal, but diabetes? Isn't that just for overweight people who eat too much candy?

My primary care physician called me the day after the pie competition to inform that I was, in fact, diabetic. I immediately burst into tears. She had little information to offer me. Not sure how someone at the age of 28 could possibly Type 1, she assumed I was Type 2. She suggested I stay away from sweets and make an appointment with an endocrinologist the following week. This was on a Friday afternoon. 

I spent the rest of the weekend in diabetic limbo, scouring the internet for answers. Which only made my head explode! Questions swirled around my head. What should I eat? What should I avoid? What did this mean for my future health? What did it mean for when I wanted to get pregnant? We spent the weekend at a full-day beer festival. What better way to drown your sorrows?

By the time Jerry's birthday came around a few days later, my untreated diabetes had hit its lowest point. I felt absolutely awful. I was exhausted, in pain, barely able to focus. The night ended with me in a crying heap, not really sure what life was going to look like.

When I first called the endocrinologist my PCP recommended, I was told I had to wait a month for an appointment. A MONTH! Are you fucking kidding me? Which is exactly what I said to the nurse on the phone. She was not too pleased, but considering my circumstances, she took pity on me and got me an appointment for the following week. Within 5 minutes, she had called me back, stating that the doctor just looked at my test results and wanted me to come in tomorrow. That couldn't be good.

When I saw the endocrinologist the next day, my blood sugar was immediately taken, 491. Was that bad? I didn’t even know. The doctor, in a matter-of-fact way, said “I’m sorry but you’re a type 1 diabetic. Your blood sugar is almost 500. This is not something that can be treated on an outpatient basis.” Through tears, I asked what that meant. She said “I need to send you to the Emergency Room where you will be admitted to the hospital.”

I spent the next 8 hours in the emergency room waiting for a room to open up. I was immediately put on IV fluids and given shots of insulin. It was surreal. I kept looking over at mother, who was with me at the appointment, and repeatedly said “I’m so sorry, Mommy” not even sure what I was apologizing for. I had started my day any other way, ate breakfast, drove to work and had a couple of meetings before heading to a doctor’s appointment on my lunch break. My day ended in a bleak hospital room, blood testing every two hours, an IV in the arm, feelings of absolute helplessness, anxiety, exhaustion, and depression. This is my life now? How did this happen so quickly?

Once everyone emptied out of my hospital room, I started to cry. And I couldn't stop.

I was inconsolable. Several concerned nurses tried to talk to me, but the mix of sadness and exhaustion prevented me from saying anything other then, “I’m okay. Don’t want to talk,” I cried until I fell asleep, realizing that my life was forever changed.

I spent the next three days completing a crash course in Diabetes Survival 101 and learning a new, unfamiliar language. Information came in waves. Totally lost, completely overwhelmed, I was discharged from the hospital to start this new adventure. At that time, I assumed life was over. I had stopped thinking about the future, because in my depressed mind, one just didn't exist anymore.

When I think back over the last two years, I really am proud of how far I've come. Life didn't end. It just looks a little different now.

Mixed Emotions

Today, I had an appointment with my Endocrinologist.

I usually have a fair amount of anxiety before each of my endo appointments. While I would normally joke that it's because of my high school crush on my doctor, it really is because I'm never quite sure what my numbers are going to look like. I usually get a full panel of blood work done prior to each appointment so we can go over the results.

Well, not this time.

This time, I knew that the numbers weren't going to be where I would like them. When the nurse asked if I wanted to have an a1c done in the office, I begrudgingly agreed. I had a sense it would be the 7.0 range. Which is why I shouldn't feel too disappointed to find out that it's 7.2 Up significantly from my last 6.1.

But I am disappointed. Sort of.

I am disappointed by the overall number. Obviously. But there are a few things that make it not seem so bad. First, I had an awesome summer filled with weekend trips and a seriously amazing vacation. I ate and drank what I pleased, knowing that there may have been some diabetes consequences. I probably didn't check as often as I should, ate things I probably shouldn't have, and enjoyed myself. It's not like I let things get wildly out of control. I was a little lax. It happens. Maybe I'll figure out a better balance....next summer.

The other thing that I am kind of impressed with is my reaction to that number. Normally, I would have been on the phone to my sister, a blubbering mess about how I am going to die young because my a1c was a 6.8 instead of a 6.5. I would start rattling off all of the possible complications I would get now that my a1c has increased.

This time....no blubbering. No catastrophizing. No hysterical phones calls to....well, anyone really.

I don't want people to assume that I am not taking this increase seriously. Because I am. But I also have come to the realization that I will be diabetic for the rest of my life. I will have thousands of a1c tests. Some will be amazing and I'm sure some will not be. I can't cry over every bad number. I can't worry about every possible complication that can come of me. Life would be pretty bleak if I did that.

What I can do is come up with a plan.

The plan is:

• Begin to test my blood sugar 6 to 8 times a day - I've fallen off of this a bit
• Monitor and measure my food - The summer has put me off this habit. Time to get back on it.
• Food-logging - I always say I'll do this and then don't
• Mark the dates of my insulin - I definitely haven't kept track of when my insulin expires, causing me to have a few days with shitty insulin and high numbers
• Make an appointment with the CDE - already done!

6.1, I'm coming for you!

Running Through It

I'm referring to my insulin.

While I mentioned in my post about travelling that one needs to accept that they may use more insulin when on vacation, I wasn't exactly mentally prepared for it. Sure, sure, I sounded all calm and zen about it. I know I'm going to have more high blood sugars. I know I'm going to use more insulin. I know I'm going to possibly have a low in the middle of a massive tomato fight filled with a bunch of Europeans. Yes, yes, I know, I know. It's all fine.

Until it happens.

I heard the familiar beep of my insulin pump, alerting me to a low reservoir (aka running out of insulin). The pump usually gives me a 20 unit warning, meaning that I'm not going to die in the next few minutes. It usually takes me about a day to run through a full 20 units. Apparently, that's not true when I'm travelling in Spain.

You want to hear another funny insulin thing about travelling in Spain? Okay!

I fill my reservoirs up to about the same amount of insulin each time, roughly 80 to 90 units. That usually lasts me three to four days. I've even stretched it to five (unintentionally). In Spain, I barely made it to three days. While supplies are definitely not an issue, it just isn't something I'm use to.

Overall, diabetes had not been a downer on this trip. There were moments where I was annoyed with diabetes or disappointed with numbers, but they were also just that. Moments. Fleeting thoughts that were only dwelled upon until the next glass of Sangria. Which came often.

I was on vacation. In beautiful places. Eating amazing food. I gave myself this vacation.

Tomato: To Eat or to Throw?

One of the experiences we were most looking forward to on our trip to Spain was La Tomatina Festival. It is an annual tomato fight in the town of Bunol, where locals and visitors alike prepare themselves to be pelted with tomatoes.

The experience was definitely intense, to say the least. It's basically a mosh pit with tomato juice.
Everyone pushes into a small square in the center of Bunol and wait for large trucks filled with tomatoes to plow through, leaving buckets of sauce in its wake. As the trucks come in, insanity ensues! The crowd pushes together to make room for the trucks, to get leverage, to cop a feel (which I was on the receiving end of, the downside of the festival), to catch a breath, grab a tomato, whatever else you can do in a crushing crowd of hundreds of people.

At one point, I had to yell for Jerry's help as I wasn't able to breath in the body crush of the crowd. Finally making it over to a wall that provided a little bit more stability, there was a lull in the onslaught of trucks, allowing me a quick moment to hold out my hands.

Shaking hands. Not a good sign.

Jerry looked at my hands and immediately asked, "You're low?!"

Tears began forming in my eyes. The festival had just started. There was no easy way out of this crowd and I had stupidly not brought in anything to treat a low. I checked for the other usual signs. Was I getting hot? Was my mind slowing down? Did I feel shaking anywhere else in my body? Was this just the result of an adrenaline boost to the system from being squeezed by tomato-soaked Spaniards? Should I just start eating tomatoes in the hopes that it rises my blood sugar?

I took a deep breath. Calmed down a bit and said no. I don't think I was having a low. Just a slight panic attack. I promised Jerry if I started to feel weak, we'd push through the crowd and get something to treat it immediately. We stayed in the center of the madness for another 20 minutes before we both agreed to call it quits. Once out of the pit, all feelings of hypoglycemia faded away.

We warned to not carry anything as things got a little crazy and would pretty much be destroyed. I took that suggestion too far, forgetting that, as a diabetic, the concept of "not carrying anything with me" just does not apply.

Pity Party

I'm home from work today. And not for a good reason.

Sadly, I'm sick.

The problem with being sick, besides its obvious suckiness, is that it has a way of throwing your blood sugar through a loop. Illness can cause blood sugar to spike for no apparent reason other then your body just wanting to fuck with you. The problem with high blood sugar, besides its obvious suckiness, is that it can cause you to become dehydrated. Which is probably the worst thing to be when you're sick since it inhibits your immune system.

And when I say "your," I mean "my". The diabetic in this conversation.

What had started last week as a sore throat has now turned into a full body ache. It sucks. I'm not a happy camper, especially considering that I had this whole exercise/diet plan for this week in preparation for Spain. So far, that's in the crapper since I have little desire to get out of bed right now, but do seem to have an all-consuming desire to eat everything chocolate!

What's the old adage say....starve a fever, feed a cold chocolate-peanut baked oatmeal for breakfast?

Well...it does now.

Chocolate-Peanut Butter Baked Oatmeal

by Bonnie Graham

Cook Time: 18 - 20 minutes

Keywords: bake breakfast snack vegetarian oats peanut butter

6031124

Ingredients (1 large serving)

• 1/2 c rolled oats
• 1/4 tsp pure vanilla extract
• 1/4 c apple sauce
• 1/4 c milk
• 1 - 2 packets Truvia or 4 tsp sugar of choice
• 1/8 tsp salt
• 1 tbsp cocoa powder
• 1-2 tbsp peanut butter
• Optional: chocolate chips

Instructions

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

2. Combine all ingredients and mix well. Melt peanut butter in microwave for easier mixing.

3. Pour into a greased ramekin or a mini-loaf pan. Cook for 18 to 20 minutes, until it gets firm.

4. Optional - Set your oven to broil for 2 more minutes, or until it reaches desired crispness (broiling gives it a nice crust).

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Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia

As in the Chia Pet. Remember those?

The new-fangled, health craze these days are the same seeds you use to smear onto a clay-shaped cow and waited to sprout "hair." They're now suggesting you eat those things!! Crazy kids these days. 

I have, of course, jumped onto the chia seed bandwagon and started to eat what had once been a brown substance smeared onto a planter. In all honesty, it wasn't my favorite ingredient. It's one of those things I could toss into my smoothie or oatmeal and not even notice it's there.

Wanting to do more with my expensive chia seed besides disguise it, I was excited to find a recipe using them in pudding! 

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this, but I have a thing for pudding. The same kind of thing I have for sauce, dips, soups, vegetables, farmer's markets, and pretty much anything else I can put in my mouth. Wait...I mean that I can swallow....Jerry's getting happier by the minute. You know what I mean!

The great thing about this pudding is that it can be made in an instant with all natural ingredients that you probably already have in your pantry. Chia seeds have this gelling quality that allows the pudding to thicken. In fact, this recipe is so easy, I've already made it twice this week! Plus, it's pretty good on my sugar!

Jerry even tried to talk me into making it twice in one night. He almost had me convinced. 

Chocolate Chia Pudding

by Bonnie Graham

Keywords: blender dessert snack vegetarian chia seeds

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Ingredients (3 servings)

• 1 c milk of your choice (I do find almond milk to set up quicker)
• 3 packets Truvia (or 6 tsp sugar)
• 1 tsp honey
• 3 tbsp chia seeds
• 1 1/2 tbsp cocoa powder
• 1/8 tsp sea salt
• 1/2 tsp pure vanilla extract
• 2 tbsp chocolate chips (optional)

Instructions

1. In a blender, add milk, sugar, chia seeds, cocoa, salt, and vanilla.

2. Blend for a minute or more, until the seeds are fully pulverized. I use the grinder blade on my Magic Bullet.

3. Transfer to dishes. Stir in chocolate chips, and refrigerate until chilled, about 1/2 hour or more.

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August Challenge Page

Okay, I've been yammering on about my countdown to Spain, my need to get back into shape, blahblahblah and all that good stuff. We leave for Spain in exactly three weeks.

THREE WEEKS!!

Which means I need to get a jump on things. This past week, I've gotten back into the habit of going to the gym (going 5 days out the last 7 and taking a 9-mile hike). I definitely feel good about that.

However, my eating has not followed suit. I'd like to think it's because I've been doing this whole Tata Exposing countdown in stages, the first being exercise and the second being diet.

But that would be total bullshit. I'm just a fat kid.

This week, I hope to change that. One way I hope to do that is to hold myself accountable using this blog. I've created a new page dedicated to the "challenge" of the next three weeks, which I'll use as a food/exercise log.

A hopeful by-product of such a page will also be better blood sugar control. While my blood sugars have been okay, they haven't necessarily been great. I've had a lot more high blood sugars then I'd like in the last month or two. In fact, I'm a little concern that my A1c will be higher when I go for my endo appointment in September. While I accept that this is the natural biorhythm of being a diabetic, it doesn't necessarily feel good.

Of course, I don't expect anyone else to be interested in my daily diet.

But that's why this is my blog. And not yours. :)

Road Trippin'

During the summer, Jerry and I seem to find ourselves in the car for extended periods of time quite often. For the longer trips (2 hours or more), I like to pack snacks. The problem with packing snacks is that we're gigantic fat kids who both have a mild case of ADHD.

Sitting for extended periods of time is not something that is easy for either one us. At one time, I could happily sit on my ass for hours, watching bad reality tv marathons (you know the Housewives of New Jersey has sucked you in too!). But not anymore. And being in the car is even worse! What are we suppose to do for 3 to 4 hours at a time? Talk to each other?! Yeah. Sure.

Instead, we eat. We eat well past the point of being full. We eat until we complain about eating....and then we eat some more. We put the bag of snacks "far away" in the backseat. Only for me to climb over to retrieve the forbidden bag less then an hour later.

For one of our road trips to Virginia, I packed:

• 2 sandwiches (one of each of us)
• TJ's reduced guilt popcorn
• TJ's sweet and salty trail mix (so good)
• TJ's carmel corn (can you tell I have a Trader Joe's obsession?)
• Dried snap peas
• Box of black licorice (for Jerry)
• Kashi granola bars
• Reduced sugar dark chocolate (which I didn't realize had the ingredient that makes you crap your pants until I had already eaten half the bar)
• Fruit leathers

We seriously had to cut ourselves off. Especially me! While Jerry just feels gross and bloated, I end up with a 300(!) blood sugar because I can only take so much insulin to cover 8 straight hours of eating!

For a recent road trip, I planned things out much better. Instead of large bags of food, I brought individual bags of snacks and opted for even more healthy treats that 1) weren't be as appealing and 2) wouldn't severely impact my blood sugar. These treats include:

• Fiberful Fruit Leathers
• TJ's snack-sized bag of kettle corn
• Kashi granola bars
• 2 types of seaweed snacks (for Jerry)
• Baby carrots (good for the ol' blood sugar)
• Trail Mix Snack Cookies (need something naughty)
  

Why bring snacks at all, you might ask? Because you really can't call it a road trip without snacks. Seriously. Check wikipedia. It's there. Because of my expert snack packing, Jerry and I were able to control ourselves, thus giving us more room to be disgusting oinkers and gorge ourselves for the rest of the weekend. Awesome.

Trail Mix "Cookies"

by Bonnie Graham

Cook Time: 14 - 16 minutes

Keywords: bake breakfast snack vegetarian coconut oil nuts oats

6029096

Ingredients (12 large cookies)

• 1 c oat flour
• 1/2 c whole wheat pastry flour
• 2 tsp baking powder
• 1 tsp cinnamon (or ¼ tsp freshly grated nutmeg)
• ¼ tsp sea salt
• 2 packets Truvia (or 4 tsp sugar)
• 1 ½ tbsp ground chia seeds (or 2 tbsp flax meal)
• ¼ c unsweetened shredded coconut
• 3 tbsp coconut oil
• ¼ c maple syrup
• 1 – 1½ tsp pure vanilla extract
• ½ c apple sauce
• 1/3 c almonds, lightly chopped
• ¼ cup sunflower seeds
• ¼ cup pumpkin seeds
• ¼ c dried cranberries or other dried fruit

Instructions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees and line baking sheet with parchment paper.

2. In a blender, food processor, or magic bullet, grind oats into a flour followed by grinding chia seeds (or flax seeds).

3. Add all dry ingredients to a bowl, with the exception of the coconut, seeds, and nuts, and mix to combine.

4. Add all wet ingredients to the bowl. Mix well to combine.

5. Add coconut, nuts, seeds, cats.....just wanted to see if you were paying attention...to the bowl.

6. Scoop hefty sized scoops of dough and place them on your baking sheet. Bake for 14 - 16 minutes or until lightly browned.

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