Retoxing

After coming to the end of my detox, it didn't take long for me to retox. It started with beers and brains (yes, actual pork brains) on Thursday night at my favorite Japanese street food restaurant followed by the sharing of three completely unnecessary desserts on Friday night! The retoxification of my system was punctuated with a Saturday morning blood sugar of 375. Awesome.

Well, really, not awesome, since it ended up making me a moody, cranky bitch for the next few days.

One thing that is very clear to me, but I never really want to admit, is that my personal self image and weight are very much intertwined. I feel more attractive and confident the thinner I am.

There. I've admitted it. I'm one of those girls.

With diabetes in my life,  my focus on health and fitness are even more intense! Rather then view one night of overeating as an accidental indulgence, I (sometimes) see it as a failure of character. If only I had better self-control...if only I  ordered the healthiest item on the menu...if only I said no to dessert and didn't eat that piece of bread...I would be a better diabetic. I'd be thinner. I'd be happier.

I beat myself up. I put myself in a crappy mood. And it sucks.

I know all is not lost. I know that whatever weight I put on over the weekend can be lost. Whatever crazy blood sugar numbers that happened can be changed. Whatever bruises I inflicted on my self-esteem can be healed.

I thought I'd share these thoughts just so you know it's not all happy workouts and detoxes over here. And because I think we all have these thoughts at one point or another. We're not always happy with what we eat, how we look, and the way we treat ourselves. Sometimes, I think it's good to hear that. Just so we know we're not alone.

So, hey there, you're not alone.

I'll have a more uplifting recap of my detox soon.

Catch 22

Diabetes is filled with catch 22s. Here is one I faced this past weekend.

We had just returned home from the bar portion of Heather's birthday celebration and did what any good drunkards do....hit up the fridge! Of course, I also did what any good drunk diabetic does and hit up the glucose meter! I simultaneously checked my blood sugar while shoving forkfuls of Pumpkin Mac and Cheese in my face, preparing to take a couple of units of insulin, only to be met by a 57 blood sugar.

What?! 57! How the hell did that happen? I didn't even feel low.

Prior to going to the bar, I had plenty of very-not-diabetes-friendly foods coupled with several glasses of wine and a dirty martini.  I figured that between the insulin, food, and booze, my blood sugar would be okay. In fact, I was expecting it to be high. Imagine my surprise to be at 57 and not actually feel it. A little scary. 

I was faced with a real dilemma. I wanted to go to sleep, but couldn't with my blood sugar at 57. However, I had just eated a heaping helping of mac and cheese. Did I want to take the chance of over-correcting for the hypoglycemia and wake up in the 200's? Or do I go to bed hoping the pasta would kick in and not raise my blood sugar too high?

It's the diabetic's catch 22.

For any diabetics who happen to stumble across this blog, my solution was to increase my basal rate on my insulin pump so that the mac and cheese would help raise my blood sugar without causing me to go too high. Generally, my CDE recommends an increase of 10%. Which I didn't know until this morning when I asked her if it was okay that did that....except I raised it to 30%. That was probably too high.