Mixed Emotions

Today, I had an appointment with my Endocrinologist.

I usually have a fair amount of anxiety before each of my endo appointments. While I would normally joke that it's because of my high school crush on my doctor, it really is because I'm never quite sure what my numbers are going to look like. I usually get a full panel of blood work done prior to each appointment so we can go over the results.

Well, not this time.

This time, I knew that the numbers weren't going to be where I would like them. When the nurse asked if I wanted to have an a1c done in the office, I begrudgingly agreed. I had a sense it would be the 7.0 range. Which is why I shouldn't feel too disappointed to find out that it's 7.2 Up significantly from my last 6.1.

But I am disappointed. Sort of.

I am disappointed by the overall number. Obviously. But there are a few things that make it not seem so bad. First, I had an awesome summer filled with weekend trips and a seriously amazing vacation. I ate and drank what I pleased, knowing that there may have been some diabetes consequences. I probably didn't check as often as I should, ate things I probably shouldn't have, and enjoyed myself. It's not like I let things get wildly out of control. I was a little lax. It happens. Maybe I'll figure out a better balance....next summer.

The other thing that I am kind of impressed with is my reaction to that number. Normally, I would have been on the phone to my sister, a blubbering mess about how I am going to die young because my a1c was a 6.8 instead of a 6.5. I would start rattling off all of the possible complications I would get now that my a1c has increased.

This time....no blubbering. No catastrophizing. No hysterical phones calls to....well, anyone really.

I don't want people to assume that I am not taking this increase seriously. Because I am. But I also have come to the realization that I will be diabetic for the rest of my life. I will have thousands of a1c tests. Some will be amazing and I'm sure some will not be. I can't cry over every bad number. I can't worry about every possible complication that can come of me. Life would be pretty bleak if I did that.

What I can do is come up with a plan.

The plan is:

• Begin to test my blood sugar 6 to 8 times a day - I've fallen off of this a bit
• Monitor and measure my food - The summer has put me off this habit. Time to get back on it.
• Food-logging - I always say I'll do this and then don't
• Mark the dates of my insulin - I definitely haven't kept track of when my insulin expires, causing me to have a few days with shitty insulin and high numbers
• Make an appointment with the CDE - already done!

6.1, I'm coming for you!