Setting Intentions

Ready to play semantics with me?

I've made resolutions for the year, right? That whole "be aware of complacency/be nice to myself/let myself heal/travel" thing. Well, now, I'm setting intentions. I'm sure you're wondering about the difference between the two.

They are pretty much two sides of the same coin. Both help to commit us to strive for change. I'd like to think of resolutions as concrete, long-term goals whereas intentions are present moment shifts in perspective. Intentions are things we strive for in our moment-to-moment. I'd like to think of resolutions as yearly goals and intentions more like daily or weekly goals. 

Total semantics, right?

Especially since many of these "intentions" actually seem like long-term goals.

Whatever. It's my blog. I can do what I want to. :)

30 intentions for 2013
Be aware of complacency
Be more up-to-date on research for work
VOLUNTEER
Save $$ and reduce debt
Study the yoga sutras
Take chances
TRAVEL
Follow a budget
Meditation practice
Practice other kinds of yoga
Overcome fears
MAKE STUFF
Learn to like myself
Start a yoga blog and website
Be more responsible with $$
Learn to say "no" and not feel guilty
GO HIKING
Focus on one yoga pose a month
Start my yoga business
Read more books and poetry
GROOMING
Be more organized
Ask for what I need and want
Be kind to myself
Cultivate relationships
DRINK LESS
Be mindful of my eating
Accept the unknown
SELF-CARE & ACCEPTANCE

Resolutions

What is a new year if you don't put down some resolutions, right?

Deciding on my new year's resolutions was a slightly different experience this year. Usually, my resolutions are a laundry list of judgments on things that I could be doing more of or less of or better. Meh, I skipping that shit this year. This year, my resolutions are going to have a slightly different tone to them (I hope).

Put your seat belts on, kiddos. This is going to be a hippie-dippy love fest.

I want to deepen my meditation and yoga practice. These are two things that I have grown such a great appreciation for. They are two of the best ways to take care of myself, not just physically, but emotionally and spirituality.  I know. I just referred to my spirituality. Tie-dyed t-shirts, here I come! Yoga and meditation are two things that I want to invest more time in this coming year.

I want to be conscious of complacency and fear. I see how complacency and fear left me feeling stuck, unsatisfied, and disappointed these last few years. It kept me from taking chances. I want to be mindful of getting out of my own way and of taking more chances. This will be especially important as a I finish up my yoga teacher training and will need to find clients/classes to teach.

I want to be more accepting. I am really friggin' hard on myself sometimes. In fact, it can be so bad that I end up not liking myself. This year, I want to focus on accepting me, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I also want to accept where I am in the present moment instead of focusing on mistakes that have already been made or problems that may arise in the future. Neither of those are things that I can change. But, what's right here and now...well, that's a different story.

I want to be more organized. Here's a familiar looking one, right? While I have managed to be a somewhat organized person, you need to look no further then my car to see that it could still use some work. This also includes things like finances, which I'm pretty good at, but will need to improve even further as I approach the new experience of living alone for the first time.

I want to allow myself to heal. While I haven't gone into any great detail, this year did not end the way I thought it would. Even though I am excited about all of the new and impending ventures, my heart has been through a lot this year. So often, I try to hurry up and get through with whatever mending process is needed. I get up and run before I've really gotten use to walking. I see now that it just leaves me with a limp. No more limping this year.

I want to travel. Duh. Who doesn't want to travel? I'm writing this down simply because I want the Universe to know that this is on my agenda. Are you picking up what I'm laying down, Universe?

I'm sure this is an ever-changing and expanding list.  But for now....that'll do, pig. That'll do. :)

Hey, 2013!

Hey 2013,

I am actually pretty excited about you. I get the feeling that you're going to be a year that brings good things. I'm not sure if it's just the residual of my NYE celebrations or this strange sense of The Universe that has suddenly pervaded my psyche, but this year, I have faith.

Faith that things may not be easy, but they are going to be worth it. Faith that I have started on a path that is going to bring me to great (and some challenging) experiences. Faith that I will have some choices to make, both big and small, both straightforward and difficult, but it is all going to lead me to the place I need to be.
I'm not sure where this optimism has come from. I'm usually too snarky and sarcastic to believe in such things. But for some reason, 2013, I believe it now.

Better not disappoint!

Thanks,
Bonnie

Oh, 2012

Oh 2012,

What an interesting year you were!

You brought with you some changes, challenges, and stumbling blocks. There were moments of great happiness mixed with some sad. You haven't been easy, but then again, most good things never really are.

Despite the stumbling blocks along the way, I am definitely grateful to have had a year like you, 2012.

For once in a really long while, I feel like I am starting down the right path, that I have arrived to a point in my life where I get the sense that big things are going to happen. It was you that brought me to this point. And, for that, I thank you. Even for the struggles, because it is in those moments that there is growth.

So, thanks 2012. I owe you one.

Sincerely,
Bonnie

Spring Cleaning Come Early!

I am taking the opportunity of the new year to clean out the draft box of GBP (Goodbye Pancreas...keep up, kids). I have over 100 posts written, waiting for their day in the GBP spotlight. Yet, forlorn, they sit in the draft box, losing seasonal appropriateness with each new recipe I post.

I have posts from last snowboard season.  I have posts from my trip to Mexico! I have posts written about Jerry that I never posted. Eek -- I said his name. You thought he was forever banished from this blog, didn't you? :) I have a shit ton of posts from when my pumpkin obsession took over and I made EVERYTHING pumpkin for a solid month.

Well, no more, I say!

I'm going to get some of these posts out of the draft box and onto the blog. This week, I will be inundating you with pumpkin recipes despite the fact that the autumnal window as since passed. You'll have to deal.

Pumpkin Pie Oat Bran for 1
Adapted from the Peas and Thank You Cookbook

Ingredients
1/4 c pumpkin
1/4 c water
1/2 c milk plus 1 - 2 tbsp
2 tsp pumpkin pie spice (I like my pumpkin dishes spicy!)
pinch of salt
1 - 2 tbsp sweetener of your choice
1/3 c oat bran

Method
1. Combine all the ingredients through to your choice of sweetener in a medium pot. Cover and bring to a low boil over medium heat.
2. Stir in oat bran and cook for 2 minutes.
3. Optional - Pour contents of pot into a small blender and add the extra tablespoons of milk. Blend until mixture is desired consistency.
4. Top with your choice of nut butter!

Hola 2012!

Originally, I had this hippie-dippie post written about my new approach for the new year.

How instead of waiting for one day a year to make changes, I am looking at each day as an opportunity for a fresh start. Whether it be at work, in love, in relationships, or with blood sugar, beginning again is a moment to moment possibility. We all get off track in our lives, but tomorrow always offers another chance to right whatever wrongs, to move on, to move forward, to forgive, to heal, to conquer.

Rather then give myself a detailed list of resolutions to work on for this coming year, I am going to keep it simple. In this new year, my resolution is to be happy, enjoy life, love and be loved. 




Okay, okay...I can't resist the urge to also put down some concrete resolutions! But all the above applies too.

First, I would like to lower my a1c. Even though I know my current a1c is still really good, I'd like to get back down to where I was before. One way I'm hoping to do this is by trying to keep a food/insulin log at least one week every month and be more mindful of testing two to three hours after meals. Research shows that food logging and frequent blood sugar testing helps maintain overall good blood sugar control.

Second, I have been a bit off in my diet and exercise habits lately, mostly because of the holidays. I would like to get back to my regular eating and exercise routine. This also includes eating more locally grown foods, including ones I plan on growing myself!

Third, new year, new job. I don't think this one needs explaining.

Lastly, taking good care of myself, not just physically but also mentally, is probably the most important resolution I will make this new year. In this past year, I have made significant progress in taking better care of mental health. I'm less anxious, have more confidence, and liking myself more and more. While I have made great strides, self-care so easily falls by the wayside. Not this year.

I think I can handle that.

Sayonara 2011!

Dear 2011,

I'm not sure if you recall my particular dislike for your predecessor, 2010, but that was a really tough year. You started with me still needing time to recover from the shock of...well, everything that happened in 2010, that stupid douchebag.

This year, I spent a lot of time second guessing myself, my decisions, and those around me. However, as we come to the end of you, I don't have that anger and bitterness I once did. In fact, I find myself in a far better place then where I had once been. I'm actually...happy. It's a nice feeling.

But, I have to say, 2011, you weren't easy. While I could easily dwell on all the negatives, like rough times at work and the end of my relationship, I realize that there has been a lot more positive things to come into my life. That I needed those bumps in the road to regain my sense of self, to start new relationships, and be where I am right now. You brought some sorrow and anxiety to my life, 2011, but you also brought me awesome new friendships and reminded me of the love I have for all of my old ones.

As I start 2012, I am hopeful that things will only go up from here.

And if you put the word in for me, that would be awesome.

Thanks,
Bonnie

Happy New Year!

Today is the start of my new year.

Sure, I wrote a post for the start of the first real year, but whatever. There are no rules on this blog. It's anarchy!

If I had a $1 for every time I have said or had said to me "This has been a rough year," I would have my car paid off and probably part of my student loans.

Yes, this year has been hard. I had an unexpected end to a relationship that left me devastated. Only to have an unexpected beginning of a new relationship that gave me a sense of happiness, confusion, and fear. I was diagnosed with a chronic illness that no one would have saw coming. I have questioned myself. I have lost faith in who I am. I have lost trust in my decisions. And I am fucking tired of it.

It is time for change. While these things have been hard and will ultimately affect who I am as a person, I have been existing in this narrow unhappy, anxiety-ridden world, afraid of what comes next, scared of moving forward, too bogged down in the shit that has already passed for far too long.

No more. I say enough.

I know the struggle does not end with this simple affirmation. I realize that changes are necessary, sacrifices may happen, and stumbling blocks are on the road ahead, but it is the first step on the journey to reclaim who I am and maybe make some improvements along the way.

You only get one lap around the pool, you know?

Ok, enough of this new age crap. Just so you know, the next post is about cupcakes! Because cupcakes are just as uplifting as a unicorn crappin' skittles! Am I right or am I right?!

Hello 2011!

The roommate once told me that you are more likely to complete a task if you write it down. I have definitely proven that statement wrong time and time again. I am a notorious list-maker of lists that never get completed. I’m also one of those people who will write something on a list that’s already been completed, just so I can cross it off -- don’t judge me! You know you do it too!

So, how can I possibly start the new year without making a list? I can’t. 

Here’s the list of 2011 resolutions. Don't worry. I haven't actually completed any of them yet. 

Health and Diabetes Resolutions

In 2011, I will eat better and exercise more. (My mother and sister are rolling their eyes right now. Knock it off!) Despite my already pretty healthy living, I definitely splurge and avoid the gym much more often than I should! I've had a few days of consistently going to the gym and, let me tell you, it definitely showed in my blood sugar numbers. 

I will learn to understand and tolerate my diabetes better. This means following up with appointments, asking for help when it’s needed, and that 250...fuck it, maybe even 300 (eek!) blood sugar will happen and it's not a personal failure. This also means further consideration of the pump, possibly going back to the nutritionist and allowing myself to get pissed off every now again (dumbass pancreas!). 

I will take better care of my teeth. Because you shouldn't neglect your gums!

I will pay more attention to my overall appearance. This may seem like a vain resolution, but for me, I think it's okay. I've been wearing a pair of work pants that have a hole in the ass for about a year now. The boy sees me in sweatpants more often then he sees me in dresses. I saw my friends three times before they realized I chopped off my hair because it was usually unwashed and pulled back when they saw me. So, you see, my baseline is pretty low. Anything is up from here.

Mental Health Resolutions

In 2011, I will try not to be so hard on myself.  I'm a perfectionist. I put a lot of pressure on myself and cause myself a lot of unneeded stress. This means accepting that it's okay that I'm not an awesome snowboarder or rock climber. That I will make mistakes. That it is okay if I'm not able to make it the gym for a few days or any of the other neurotic things I obsess about on a daily basis.

I will work on regaining my confidence, patience, and trust in others. 2010 broke me a little bit. It was a rough year that often made me question myself and my worthiness. I feel I took a million steps back to a person that I just don't want to be again. I need to consciously work on changing this.

I will actually follow the budget that I create. See, I definitely could had said "Create a budget" but I've already done that! Awww, I'm already growing! Part of this also includes budgeting enough to travel more!

I will be more organized at work, learn to say no more often, and avoid working 12 hour days. Sometimes, there are days where I'm so burnt out, the thought of going to work seems more unpleasant then the annual pap smear. And then I realize that it's only Tuesday. Enough of that in 2011!

I will start a meditation practice. I have wanted to do this for a while, but haven't really put energy into doing it. I would like to start this year!

Just for Fun Resolutions

I will create lists and actually do the items on it.  

I will continue to blog and do so on a more regular basis. It's kind of fun. 

I will try new spices and be more adventurous in my cooking. I will also use my many cool kitchen appliances more often.

I will spend more time at the boy’s apartment so that his kitty is not so lonely all the time! 

I will improve my chaturanga pose and headstand pose in yoga.

I will crochet more AND ACTUALLY FINISH project. I must have at least 12 different crochet projects that I have started and never finished. My need for instant gratification kicks in. If a project is taking longer then expected, I’ll move onto another one. I believe the clinical diagnosis is called ADHD.

I will get my second tattoo! 

I've got quite the list here. And, technically, I haven't really started it. Especially after spending a week in Colorado, where three days of that were spent on my ass, throwing temper tantrums on the mountain, cursing the snowboard gods (and Jerry)! :) The 15th seems like a good day to start my resolutions! 

Wish me luck!

See ya 2010!

Dear 2010,

I’d be a bit of liar if I told you that I liked you, 2010. In reality, you pretty much sucked!

Overall, you were a rough year for the entire Graham clan! From unemployment to broken hearts, you brought it all. For me, you’ve been a bit of a train wreck, starting with the abrupt move from my apartment to being diagnosed with diabetes and the all the drama before, after, and in between. Many assholes (internal organs included) contributed to the shit show of this past year. Honestly, 2010, I’m glad to see you go!

However, I’d be remiss (and a bit of an asshole myself) if I did not take a moment to recognize what you did bring to my life this year. Though it’s been rough and I often wallowed in the “Why me’s” of many situations, it was made clear to me that I was not alone, that I had more good people then I could ever imagine out there supporting me, waiting to pick me up when I fell down. And I fell down often.

With parents who were ever concerned and always supportive. With a sister whose presence I can not live without. With a friend who, on a moment’s notice, changed her life with me (and for me). With an old friend who I can always rely no matter how many months go by. With a new friend who I feel I have known forever. With a pseudo-therapist who counseled and coached me whenever I was about to break apart. With the many friends who checked in on me to ensure I was still alive. And, finally, with a wonderful boyfriend who, despite all my insanity, makes me feel less broken every day.

These are the people of 2010 that made you a tolerable year. These are the people who I am infinitely thankful to because without them, I don’t know if I would have made it through. If only there was a way I could let them know that I am eternally in their debt and forever grateful for their presence in my life. :)

So, 2010, you weren’t all bad. Plus, I learned how to make my own peanut butter, which is awesome! But for now…get the hell out of here before I drop-kick you in the nuts!

Sincerely Yours,

Bonnie Graham