Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Simple Rules

Are you ready for another soapbox, kids? Don't worry. This one is more angry instead of guilting you into growing your own food!

Bonnie's Rules for Proper Gym Ettiquette

Clean up after yourself. Weights should be put away when one is finishing using them. If they weren't too heavy to do however many grunting sets you had, then they're not too heavy for you to walk your ass over to the weight shelf and put them back! This makes them available for the next person who wants to use them while keeping the gym floor from being a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Be considerate of others in the gym. This means wiping down your sweaty machines after you're done using it. I don't care if you're the marathon runner that just finished 50 miles on the treadmill or one of those annoying "trainer groupies" who are just pretending to work out. Either way, I don't want to touch your skank. It also means that you should allow others to take their quick sip of water from the fountain instead of making them wait for you to finish filling up your big ass bottle of water or protein shake.

Ask before taking. It's a very simple rule. Something you're taught at a young age. If you see that a pair of weights are at my feet next to my purse with my towel casually dropped on top of them while I'm obviously taking a break in between sets, then YES, I am still using those, motherfucker! I'm not blind. I can see you moving my towel, pushing aside my purse to nonchalantly take them as though I won't notice that 2 12 lbs weights suddenly disappeared.

Learn when and how to share. I'm not a good sharer either, but in a crowded gym, it's important to let others work into your sets, especially if you're going to spend an hour on the same machine. However, this does not allow you to comment on the amount of weight, number of sets, or form on shared exercise machine. Having a subscription to Men's Health does not make you a personal trainer, my friend, and I like having a neck!

Vanity is unbecoming, but totally entertaining in the gym! So, go ahead and shake what your mama gave ya! Kiss those flexed biceps! Give yourself that pep talk as you're doing a bench press! Refer to yourself in the third person! Just don't expect me to want to talk to you after.

It is not polite to stare. Four out of 5 mothers will agree. We're all familiar with the disgusting, grunting meatheads who leer at women working out. They're gross. They're creepy. They need a good punch to the pancreas. However, if you're staring at me while I change in the locker room, then you better be asking me for my fucking number. Because staring at my insulin pump is not going to make it telepathically communicate to you what it is. Have some class and ask me. It's not like you're worried about being rude or something!

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