Ebb and Flow

Ebb and flow.

Isn't it strange when several, completely unrelated people share similar sentiments that so perfectly fit your present life? Maybe it's this whole hippie-dippie yoga thing rubbing off on me, but the concept of "ebb and flow" has recently become a theme in my life.

While I can expound on how this theme is so perfectly playing itself out in several areas of my life, I am going to narrow this post to a recent experience I had at a Certified Diabetes Educator (CDE) appointment.

Remember back in September when I had a zen approach to my 7.2 a1c, a number that would have previously sent me into hysterics, I was somehow able to take that number in stride, recognizing that I will have a million a1c tests in my lifetime and I can't fall apart every time one comes back higher then I want.

Right.

How quickly that fell apart in the CDE's office last week. While I didn't get a new a1c test done, we reviewed the data from my insulin pump. Which seemed horrendous. I had thought that my numbers were better. That I had been more in line with my blood sugar goals. As we looked through the list of numbers, I saw more 180's, 190's and 200's then I had expected.

I could feel my heart sink in my chest.

When I said to the CDE "I thought I was doing better" and repeated several times throughout the appointment how disappointed I was, she assured me that I was looking at skewed data. That most of the numbers on the insulin pump are going to seem high because that's when I will use it most. I won't plug my blood sugar numbers into the pump if I am in range. There's no reason to.

Regardless of all the perfectly logically reasons why numbers appeared so high on that sheet, I was feeling pretty shitty. I tried to remind myself of that zen feeling from only a few months ago. Reassure myself that I am getting back on track and that my a1c will be lower when I test again in December. That "doing better" isn't just about numbers on a page.

Sometimes things will be better. And sometimes they won't. And chances are, even when things seem rough, that better times will return. It's just the ebb and flow.